- They’re too confrontational. 咄咄逼人
“It’s OK to agree to disagree on some things,” Sassoon said. “But not
everyone gets that, and if they make it clear on a first date, get out.”
When you go on a date, it’s possible that politics, religion, and other
taboo topics may come up. But if a healthy debate turns into a one-sided
screaming match, it’s probably safe to cut your losses with this
When they entered the study, all of these teenagers were interviewed.
They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed
their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered
all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and
bricklayers and doctors, one President of the United States. Some
developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the
social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top, and some made
that journey in the opposite direction.
On the other hand, you don’t want the date to feel like a job interview.
But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time?
What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all
the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy?
- They make the date feel like a job interview. 把相亲搞得像求职面试
I’d like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago,
he was looking back on his life, and he wrote this: “There isn’t time,
so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to
account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak,
“When people start telling you stuff that is really personal really
quickly, it displays a kind of neediness and clinginess that shows
they’re just going to use you as a vehicle for unloading for the
relationship,” Sassoon said. “It’s all about them, they don’t ask a
question, they don’t really care, they just want to vomit about their
whole entire life.”
Issues with traffic or public transportation are inevitable for most
people, so tardiness isn’t always a red flag.
If they refuse to take accountability for any part of a date — a time to
meet, a bar to get drinks, or even what drinks you get — that’s not a
great sign, either.
- They can’t seem to plan anything. 没有任何计划
“If they’re insisting on inviting you to their place, or pushing to go
over to yours, that’s a bad sign,” Rori Sassoon, founder of Platinum
Poire matchmaking service, told INSIDER. “They don’t need to know where
you live right now.”
Many of the inner city Boston men ask us, “Why do you keep wanting to
study me? My life just isn’t that interesting.” The Harvard men never
ask that question.
You don’t automatically need to eliminate a potential partner if they’re
overly inquisitive — some people might ask a lot of questions when they
get nervous, or they could genuinely be fascinated by you — but it’s
worth asking them some questions too, just to see if they open up about
themselves or just go back to questioning you.
Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s, we wanted to
look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was
going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian and who wasn’t. And
when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50, it
wasn’t their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were
going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their
relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their
relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good, close
relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of
getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their
80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood
stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships,
on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by
more emotional pain.
Be wary of a person who shows up to a first date and seems happy one
moment and decidedly not the next — and for no apparent reason.
Since 1938, we’ve tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first
group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College.
They all finished college during World War II, and then most went off to
serve in the war. And the second group that we’ve followed was a group
of boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods, boys who were chosen for
the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled
and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in
tenements, many without hot and cold running water.
- They’re too pushy. 太猴急
- They’re very late. 迟到很长时间
There are a number of things that might explain their behavior — like a
fresh breakup or trouble at work — but trying to pursue a relationship
with them could be a thankless task for you.
We’ve learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that
social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills. It
turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to
friends, to community, are happier, they’re physically healthier, and
they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the
experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more
isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy,
their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning
declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not
lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time, more than one in
five Americans will report that they’re lonely.
Your date may try to convince you that they deserve to be invited back
to your place because they bought you a drink or spent some time with
And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a
marriage, so the second big lesson that we learned is that it’s not just
the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a
committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships
that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is
really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without
much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse
than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm
relationships is protective.
Being moody doesn’t mean someone is a bad person. But if their behavior
during an hour-long date is sporadic enough to make you feel on edge,
they may not be ready for a relationship.
So what about you? Let’s say you’re 25, or you’re 40, or you’re 60. What
might leaning in to relationships even look like?
But if your date is more than a few minutes late — and doesn’t seem to
care that you’ve been waiting for a lengthy period of time — consider
that a first strike.
And we’re constantly told to lean in to work, to push harder and achieve
more. We’re given the impression that these are the things that we need
to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives, of
the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them,
those pictures are almost impossible to get. Most of what we know about
human life we know from asking people to remember the past, and as we
know, hindsight is anything but 20/20. We forget vast amounts of what
happens to us in life, and sometimes memory is downright creative.